So, it's March 12 and I am still technically homeless.  That is, I'm not paying rent anywhere yet.  I've been switching off between a rotating shelter and friends who'll let me stay.  The weirdest thing I've found is that, though I let friends and family know what was coming and that they should come get get anything they wanted, they were the most mad about my loss of stuff.  Maybe they were the ones in denial.  I certainly took exactly what I had to and no more.  I miss the cats.  They are off on another life.  What could I do?  It really is too cold at this time of year in the mid-atlantic region to have cats outdoors with you.

It is thought by some that it is only a matter of time before I crack up.   That, of course, cracks me up.  It must just be the right time to go through such a thing.  The only annoying thing is, on the weeks when in the shelter, being in public all the time.  I still have clean/neat carriers: backpacks, carryon cases, etc. so I don't "look" like what a homeless person seems to look like around here.  I think I must miss out on some of the problems that are faced by them.  I do still have a car, albeit an old and small one, so I don't have to carry everything around.  Also, though I know many friends think I'm weird, I haven't disappeared.  I get the feeling from some of the others at the shelter that, they've kind of disappeared from their families lives.  It's only been two months, so who can say what will happen as time goes by.

Meanwhile, my life continues on much the way it has, though I am much less isolated.  That, I think, is a good thing.

 You know, I think I'm in denial (laughs hysterically/manically).  Yep, I'm being evicted at 9am today.  Everything I want to take has to fit in the car and, as usual, I have waited until the last hours.  It's 2:20am and I just want to read one more thing before I start putting stuff in grocery bags for better stacking in the trunk.  My psych says "sooome dissociation is healthy."  Huh.  Well, I'm in la la land on that issue.  I feel a low level anxiety simmering but, am strangely distant.  Just the essentials...  laptop, some clothes, paperwork (the biggest part), some momentos (which momentos is the question), etc, if there's room for etc.  FUCK!!!  moveyourassmoveyourassmoveyourass   FUCK!!!  Oh well, it'll all be over soon.  And my babies are living in the car with me (whines).  Their cats, not reeeal babies.  I've gotta find a no kill shelter for them.  "I'll think about that tomorrow"

 It's 2am, Dec 26, not sleeping as usual.  I have to move by the 8th of January and I still don't have a place.  I so don't want to live in my car!  I haven't begun to pack however, I have a stragedy.  I will pack what must go with me first.  I figure I can unload some junk this way.  I have accumulated loads.  I can remember the days when everything I owned fit my car.  I kinda want that again.  I liked that spartan existence.  Everything seemed simple; uncomplicated.  Well, actually I think I was just numb.  I was completely clueless about my own self.  I'm no longer clueless though, some might argue that point.  I was blessed by NOT having to spend THE day with the family.  I had the requisite dinner with father, bro and sis-in-law on Sunday and will with sis and family when they return from their cruise.

Bro-in-law's brother and family are going with them.  I'm happy for them.  It's nice for the kids to get together with their cousins.  His bro and fam live 10 hours away so, they aren't  seen that often.  The oldest son is working for my sister's company.  Poor kid, he had a MAJOR depressive episode as middle teen and had to be out of school for an entire year.  I can definitely sympathize.  His parents were aware enough that he and the family had counseling.  Don't know much about it but, my sis and fam went to some of the sessions.  The did some kind of generational work, talking about what it was like for the parents and grandparents to grow up and how that affected their parenting styles.

I'd tried to get my parents interested in that kind of stuff when I was young but, they refused to see any connections.  My father was raised by an violent alcoholic father and bigot of a mother.  My mother was raised in WWII England, by a controlling carpenter and a ditz, having lost family and friends during the Blitz.  It wasn't surprising that my parents hated each other.  My father reacted to everything by disappearing or raging, and my mother by screaming and micromanaging.  At least dad didn't carry the personal violence itself to the next generation.  He did however break thiings; doors, furniture, etc.  Somehow, my younger bro and sis were spared a lot of this.  Maybe.  But then again, I don't know what it's like to be them.

Anyway, I avoided the actual drama.  Of course there was the drama in my head.  But, that's always there.

I don't mind the cold as long as I have an inside to go to.  Ok, I still have an inside.  The power was cut off 1.5 weeks ago and I've been trying to get it back on since last Thursday.  It's taking forever!  It wasn't too bad until the last couple of nights when it's been it the mid 30's.  I have properly warm sleeping things so I'm not cold then.  It's just that sitting up cold and straining to read by candle light is irritating.  On top of all this, and the worst of all as far as I can see is that my laptop won't start.  It may have gotten too cold.  Has anyone ever heard of this.  Must do research today.  Maybe it'll be ok when it warms up?  I can only hope and try not to freak over loss of files, etc.  So, tonight I sleep with the laptop.  yay?!?

Finding a place to live that isn't too expensive is slow going.  Where I live, one bedroom apts start at ~800 (rare) and go to ~1500!  I was looking for an efficiency for ~500 (rare), not ~1000 (usual).  Good luck with that, eh?  I'm afraid, in all senses of the word, that I'll have to live in a group house once more.  Hopefully, I can find one that isn't a nightmare.  Ideal:  no up all night partying (at least not EVERY weekend), no revolving bedroom doors (how's my stuff to be safe if random people are in my home at any time?),  pets (I love animals), no people with hygiene problems (I have lived places where it was an issue), no forced meal sharing (one meal a week would be ok, but really, I'm an adult and can eat whatever I want - yeah, I've lived in those places too.  You wouldn't believe the stuff that people eat:  everything out a box, only process meat-hot dogs, bologna, etc., no fruit and vegetables), acceptance of my NON vegetarianism (sorry, I can't live like that, allergic to milk and tofu, and can only deal with so many beans servings a day). etc.  I'm not picky am I?  Ok, I am but, I don't think that I'm crazy to want those things.

I had the best news from my sister today.  NO family Xmas drama.  She, the husband and kids are going on a cruise with his brother, wife and kids.  YAY!!!!!!  This means that I might be alone for Xmas.  This is something that I love.  I mean I love getting together with family but, there is a tension that doesn't seem to pass.  Oh, there is another good thing.  Sister is buying some vacation property and wants no present exchange except for kids.  I pray that this will continue until death do us part.  I have been vying for this option since age 15.  I just don't like presents.  When my mother was alive, she wanted us to LOOOVE everything she gave us.  Xmas became performance day.  Really, how often can you say, "just what always wanted," and be believable?  I don't mind cute tokens of affection but, saving the whole year for $200 present for EACH is just too much.  And, don't get me started on the concept of re-gifting.  I'd rather just skip the whole thing.  The best is rare foods and drinks.  When was the last time you had a roasted lamb, a decent cabernet, expensive dark chocolate, mangoes for everyone, real mincemeat pie, a rum drenched homemade fruitcake, russian tea cookies, brianna, etc.  That's a true Xmas (or, winter solstice), living it up to drive away the darkest day of the year.

Enough

Moving soon.  Soon.  January 8 is too soon.  I hate moving!  Swore I'd never move again when I got this place 4 years ago.  Liar, I am.  Well, who knew I would be unemployed and unable to pay the mortgage?  I am glad that I live in a coop.  They are generous and helpful.  They'll fix everything for sale, manage the sale, then hand over the proceeds to me.  AND, they are also fronting me money to get a cheap rental in the mean time.  Even though it's just stuff, to be able to keep some of it will make it easier in the long run.  I had convinced myself that I could live in my car until the sale was complete.  Right.  That's the kind of thinking that got me into this problem in the first place.

Well, it feels like drama only because it's always something.  Yesterday the power got cut off.  The most annoying thing about it is that I have to go to the libray for internet access now.  Somehow I was getting free internet at DSL levels before.  All good things must come to an end.  Well that and the stove (no tea!) and the lights (reading by candlelight is not all it's cracked up to be).  So, other than that life is good.  Spent most of the day with the sister-in-law yesterday.  Don't have a tv so, I got to see the disturbing lack of talent on Dancing with the Stars.  I can't see the draw to the show.  Ah, well. 

 It's 2:30am Sunday morning and I have been awake since Friday afternoon.  Argh!  I will lay down soon just to alleviate the stress of being upright for so long!  I feel my head is about to explode.

I ought to go to a funeral in the afternoon.  I found out Thursday that mother of friend who'd slipped through the cracks of time died.  I regret that I didn't keep up with her but,  recognize that we both let it slip.  I'm glad she had a sister to go through it with her.

Did you ever wish that someone woud beat the hell out of you, give you elctroshck therpy, or something to just snap you the fuck out of it.  Yeah, RIGHT!  Single bullet, my ass.  I sure as hell haven't gotten a strong enough wakeup call mysef.  As such, I drift into the morass of apathy.  Yeah, I know...If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.  Ugh, which do I need more a shower or sleep, a shower or sleep, a shower or sleep..... a shower or sleep.....ZZZZzzzzzzzz.....zzzzzzzzz

 Thought I'd try the journaling thing.  Never done it before.  Little too paranoid, I guess.  Would write then destroy.  Privacy issues.  Bit of a loner.  Anyway, who will ever know it's me?  Anonymity is a good thing.  At least, I find it comforting.

It's the day before Thanksgiving.  I am thankful and grateful for God, family, and friends.  Nothing to complain about and yet, I do.  More later, if I can think straight.